I Learned Some Hard Lessons About Mean Girls (And Lived to Tell About It)
I was once embarrassingly naïve about mean girls. Someone could be blatantly rude to me, my gut would be screaming, and I’d still be standing there like, ‘Hmm… maybe she’s just tired?’
Completely clueless.
It took me way-too-forever-long to learn these lessons. I’m sharing my lessons with you so that you don’t waste years being confused, blindsided, and emotionally jump‑scared by mean girls.
When I started accepting that some people are just unkind, I went through a whole delusional‑optimist phase. I kept thinking I could fix it. Maybe if I was nicer? Softer? Smaller? Maybe if I apologized for things I didn’t do or dimmed my personality, they would come around?
I also spiraled for way too long trying to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me that someone could be so mean. Was I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Did they hate my southern accent? My fitness routines? Did they hate that I lost weight… or that I gained it… or that my marriage got healthier… or did they just hate my dog? I was obsessively running diagnostics like a malfunctioning robot.
And the weirdest plot twist of all was that mean girls seem to want to keep you close while simultaneously being mean to you? Like… bestie or bully, pick one. It’s confusing for everyone involved.
After a year of working almost exclusively with women in private practice, I think I’ve finally come up with a few solid reasons why some girls can just be mean.
1- You might reflect back to them something they’d like to be but are convinced they can’t be. Maybe you reflect something they’re not willing to put in the work for? Maybe you remind them of a version of themselves they abandoned? Ouch.
2- You’re changing, growing, healing …and they’re not. Nothing triggers a stuck person like someone else moving forward.
3- They’re projecting and you’re just the nearest screen for their unresolved issues.
4- They’re in competition with you… and you didn’t even sign up for that contest.
5- They don’t love themselves or show compassion towards themselves -so they can’t do that for you either. If they’re harsh with you, it’s usually because they’re ten times harsher with themselves.
Here’s some things I learned to keep myself healthy and safe from people like this AND hold compassion at the same time.
I protect myself- Not by fighting, but by stepping back. I don’t need to argue with someone who’s committed to misunderstanding me.
I hold compassion- Not the “let me fix you” kind of compassion. But instead, the “I see your pain, but it’s not my job to carry it” kind of compassion.
I stay rooted in who I am. Jealousy tries to make you doubt yourself. Don’t hand over the keys to your identity because someone else is uncomfortable.
I choose girlfriends who genuinely feel good about themselves — the kind of women who can extend that same kindness outward instead of competing with it
And for the love of all things good and holy, I stopped trying to win over mean girls. They’re not Yelp reviewers. Their approval is not a five‑star rating you need.
The lesson in a nutshell
We can be kind without being a doormat. We can be compassionate without being a target. We can be authentic— fully, loudly, unapologetically — even if a mean girl finds that threatening.
Xoxo Racquel