I Learned Some Hard Lessons About Mean Girls (And Lived to Tell About It)
I was once embarrassingly naïve about mean girls. Someone could be blatantly rude to me, my gut would be screaming, and I’d still be standing there like, ‘Hmm… maybe she’s just tired?’
Completely clueless.
It took me way-too-forever-long to learn these lessons. I’m sharing my lessons with you so that you don’t waste years being confused, blindsided, and emotionally jump‑scared by mean girls.
When I started accepting that some people are just unkind, I went through a whole delusional‑optimist phase. I kept thinking I could fix it. Maybe if I was nicer? Softer? Smaller? Maybe if I apologized for things I didn’t do or dimmed my personality, they would come around?
I also spiraled for way too long trying to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me that someone could be so mean. Was I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Did they hate my southern accent? My fitness routines? Did they hate that I lost weight… or that I gained it… or that my marriage got healthier… or did they just hate my dog? I was obsessively running diagnostics like a malfunctioning robot.
And the weirdest plot twist of all was that mean girls seem to want to keep you close while simultaneously being mean to you? Like… bestie or bully, pick one. It’s confusing for everyone involved.
After a year of working almost exclusively with women in private practice, I think I’ve finally come up with a few solid reasons why some girls can just be mean.
1- You might reflect back to them something they’d like to be but are convinced they can’t be. Maybe you reflect something they’re not willing to put in the work for? Maybe you remind them of a version of themselves they abandoned? Ouch.
2- You’re changing, growing, healing …and they’re not. Nothing triggers a stuck person like someone else moving forward.
3- They’re projecting and you’re just the nearest screen for their unresolved issues.
4- They’re in competition with you… and you didn’t even sign up for that contest.
5- They don’t love themselves or show compassion towards themselves -so they can’t do that for you either. If they’re harsh with you, it’s usually because they’re ten times harsher with themselves.
Here’s some things I learned to keep myself healthy and safe from people like this AND hold compassion at the same time.
I protect myself- Not by fighting, but by stepping back. I don’t need to argue with someone who’s committed to misunderstanding me.
I hold compassion- Not the “let me fix you” kind of compassion. But instead, the “I see your pain, but it’s not my job to carry it” kind of compassion.
I stay rooted in who I am. Jealousy tries to make you doubt yourself. Don’t hand over the keys to your identity because someone else is uncomfortable.
I choose girlfriends who genuinely feel good about themselves — the kind of women who can extend that same kindness outward instead of competing with it
And for the love of all things good and holy, I stopped trying to win over mean girls. They’re not Yelp reviewers. Their approval is not a five‑star rating you need.
The lesson in a nutshell
We can be kind without being a doormat. We can be compassionate without being a target. We can be authentic— fully, loudly, unapologetically — even if a mean girl finds that threatening.
Xoxo Racquel
Your Space. Your Sanctuary.
My clients are probably sick of hearing me yap about how your nervous system absolutely notices your space, but I will not stop talking about it. You may think you’re “fine,” with yesterday’s Chick-fil-A petrifying on your nightstand, but your body might be whispering, “This room smells weird. We are grossed out. We are afraid of bugs.”
Your environment and your nervous system are in a long‑term relationship. And like any relationship, things get weird when there’s too much clutter or too much noise.
This is nuanced, though. A perfectly clean, sterile space can feel just as stressful as a messy one. Your sanctuary doesn’t have to look like a Pinterest board — it just needs to feel like you.
Here’s the truth your nervous system wishes it could tell you:
Your space affects your mood more than you think. A cozy corner can calm you faster than a motivational quote ever will.
Your environment can either regulate you or roast you. Some rooms say, “You’re safe.” Others say, “Good luck finding your keys, babe.”
Small changes matter. One cleared surface. One soft light. One place that feels peaceful on purpose.
Creating a sanctuary isn’t about perfection — it’s about giving your nervous system a place to exhale. A place that says, “You’re okay. You can rest here.”
What’s one thing you can do to your space today to help you feel more at peace?
xoxo- Racquel
Help Your Child Make Friends This Summer: Social Skills Groups at Handmade BA
If you’ve ever watched your child walk up to a group of kids, open their mouth, and then… absolutely forget how to human, you’re not alone.
That’s why this July, at Handmade in Broken Arrow, we’re hosting Kids & Tweens Summer Mini‑Therapy Groups designed to help kids build real‑life friendship skills in a fun, low‑pressure environment.
What This Group Is All About?
If your child struggles with:
Social anxiety
ADHD
Autism
Reading social cues
Joining conversations
Making (and keeping) friends
Or just needs a little confidence boost
…this group is for them.
Kids will practice:
How to start conversations
How to join play without feeling awkward
How to handle conflict (without melting into a puddle)
How to read facial expressions and tone
How to build confidence in social situations
All through games, creative activities, role‑play, and guided social experiences — not boring worksheets that make kids want to evaporate.
Can Join?
We have two groups:
Elementary Group (K–6th Grade) – Boys & Girls
Perfect for kids who need help with:
Making friends
Managing big feelings
Navigating playground politics
Building confidence
Middle School Group (7th–9th Grade) – Girls Only
Ideal for tweens navigating:
Social anxiety
Friendship drama
Identity and confidence
Communication skills
Middle school is basically a social escape room — we’re here to give them the clues.
Why Parents Love This Group
Parents searching for: ✔️ Friendship skills group ✔️ Social anxiety summer group ✔️ Summer activities for autistic kids ✔️ Help for kids who struggle socially
…find exactly what they’re looking for here.
Kids get support. Parents get peace of mind. Everyone wins.
Give Your Child a Summer of Confidence
This summer, help your child:
Build real friendships
Practice social skills in a supportive space
Gain confidence
Have fun (yes, actual fun)
Limited spots available — and they fill fast. Click the link below for details and sign up.
Stop Monitoring That Man
Let’s talk about one of the most exhausting full time, unpaid jobs women give themselves- Monitoring a man like he’s a flight you’re tracking on the United app.
You can act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s fine.
You’re not checking on him… you’re “just noticing” when he’s online, when he’s offline, when he breathed funny, when he took more than 6 minutes to text back, when he liked Ari’s latest tik tok, (even though you kind of don’t blame him because she’s sooo pretty and funny).
But, Racquel, how do I stop?
First, let’s talk about why you’re doing it.
It’s because your brain is trying to protect you. Your brain doesn’t give a single shit if you’re happy or not. It wants to keep you safe. If you came from a home where the sound of your father’s footsteps in the hallway made you want to vomit, how can your brain know that you’ll be safe with any other man?
It can’t.
To your brain, men equal betrayal, pain and always having to watch your back.
Your brain roams the earth looking for patterns and communicates danger with your nervous system. Then we’ve got your entire body involved and you’re running a full background check on a man you barely even like several times a day.
If you grew up managing chaos, or dated someone unpredictable, or had to be the emotional weather forecaster in your family… your body learned to scan for danger before joy. You’re not crazy. You’re conditioned.
Here are some ways to un-condition yourself in a nervous‑system‑friendly way.
· Redirect your attention back to your life, not his activity log. If your life feels boring, chat can tell you a billion ways to fix that.
· Place distance between you and your phone. Leave it under your seat in the car. Forget it at work. Have a friend keep it for a few hours.
· Focus on movement and sunshine
· Read an interesting book
· Practice tolerating uncertainty without spiraling.
· Remember that no feeling is final. This anxiety will pass.
The Bigger Lesson
If you’re monitoring someone, you’re not feeling safe with them, or with yourself.
And that’s the part we heal.
Not by going into detective mode… but by learning to trust your body again, calm your nervous system, and build relationships where you don’t have to be the emotional security guard.
You deserve a connection you don’t have to supervise. Find a good therapist to walk you through this.
xoxo- Racquel
OKAY BUT WHY AM I NOT HEALED YET?
Hello self-aware talk therapy queen. I’ve been waiting for you. But not in a creepy way.
You know your issues. You know exactly where they came from. You could write a 565 page book titled “Why I Am Like This-A Book I Did Not Mean to Write.”
And yet… your brain and body still do whatever they want.
You can explain your attachment style front to back and top to bottom, but the minute someone doesn’t text back, your nervous system starts doing the absolute most for no reason and screams “WE WILL NOW GO MORE INSANE THAN WE’VE EVER GONE.”
Talk therapy helps you name the problem. Body‑based therapy helps you release it.
It’s not that talk therapy doesn’t work. Maybe you just have a good grade in talk therapy now and you’re ready to graduate to something deeper.
You’re a talk therapy honors graduate…
A talk therapy 4.0 GPA graduate…
The valedictorian of the whole talk therapy class graduate.
(I knew the high functioning girls would like that.)
This is where somatic work, EMDR, and body‑based healing come in. Because sometimes the issue isn’t that you don’t understand your patterns — it’s that your nervous system is still holding onto old alarms.
You’re not stuck — you’re just ready for the next level.
xoxo-Racquel
Codependency: What It Sounds Like vs. What It Actually Is
When I bring up codependency in therapy, some of my high‑functioning girlies look at me like I just accused them of living in their mom’s basement and collecting Funko Pops. It feels offensive because the word sounds like “clingy, helpless, needy” when these girls are running everyone’s life, including their own.
What Codependency Sounds Like:
“I can’t live without him.” “I need someone to save me.” EWE
What Codependency Actually Is:
“I will manage everyone’s emotions, needs, schedules, and crises so aggressively that I forget I exist.”
“I don’t need help, I AM the help.”
“If someone is upset, I will personally fix it before they even know they’re upset and wayyyy before they have the chance to get mad at me.”
DOUBLE EWE
Codependency isn’t weakness tho — it’s over functioning. It’s emotional project management. It’s being the unpaid intern of every relationship you’ve ever had.
Why It Hits Women So Hard
Because women have been trained since childhood in the ancient art of people‑pleasing
Be nice
Be helpful
Don’t upset anyone
Don’t have needs
Smile
You grow up thinking you’re being a good partner/friend/daughter/coworker… when really you’re slowly dissolving into someone you don’t recognize.
Simple (but not easy) steps to start undoing codependency
Tell the truth about what you actually want.
That’s hard. I know. Sometimes we feel like were going to die if someone is upset with us. Find a good therapist or support person to walk you through this.
Let people be mildly uncomfortable. Say no. Let them work out their own stuff. Their emergencies don’t have to be yours.
Stop volunteering your services If someone says, “It’s fine, I’ll figure it out,” let them.
Notice when you’re doing things out of fear instead of choice. Fear of conflict, fear of disappointing someone, fear of being seen as “selfish.”
Practice letting people carry their own emotional suitcases. You already have anywhere from 3 to 23 of your own to deal with.
Codependency isn’t a personality flaw — it’s a survival strategy you learned young. And you can unlearn it without losing your kindness or your ability to care.
xoxo- Racquel
He’s Not Hot, You’re Just Ovulating
Girl sometimes he’ s not attractive, smart or even a little bit nice… you’re just ovulating.
Your hormones can turn a total bum into a McDreamy when you’re in the fertile window of your menstrual cycle. Stay away from that phone and out of those streets ma’am.
Okay Racquel, but why would my hormones attack me like this? Because hormones don’t care about your standards, your dignity, or the fact that he uses horrific grammar in his text messages. They care about survival of the species. That’s it. That’s the whole agenda.
Here’s the science part (the short version)
During ovulation, estrogen spikes, your confidence rises, your social radar lights up, and suddenly people who were an “absolutely not” last week start looking like “maybe he’s just misunderstood.”
Babe he’s not misunderstood.
He’s just standing there while your hormones do a weird gymnastics routine.
This is why keeping track of your cycle matters. Not because you need to micromanage your body, but because it helps you separate:
Actual attraction from
Hormone‑induced delusion
Cycle tracking helps you avoid texting someone who has never once replied with correct punctuation.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking, “Wait… is he kind of cute?”
Pause.
Check your cycle.
Drink some water.
Ask a friend who loves you.
Ask your mom if you’re brave enough.
He’s probably not hot. You’re probably just ovulating. And that’s exactly why we track.
xoxo - Racquel
Coping Skills Are THE WORST
Coping skills can be so annoying. Some of them work. And some of them are an absolute waste of time. I know it. You know it. Your nervous system knows it.
There’s nothing worse than being in the middle of a luteal-phase meltdown and your therapist says “take three deep breaths and count backwards from ten.” GIRL WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Coping skills aren’t about forcing yourself to love every tool in the toolbox. They’re about finding the ones that actually work for you.
Hate journaling? Fine, don’t journal.
Think affirmations feel like gaslighting yourself? Don’t do them.
Feel personally offended by mindfulness? Same.
The magic happens when you’re honest with your therapist (hi) about the ones you hate, the ones you tolerate, and the one weird one that actually helps even though you’ll never tell anyone.
Coping skills aren’t supposed to be pretty or inspirational (although I do love a cute drink and a shopping trip.) They’re supposed to help you survive your life without catching criminal charges. And if we have to try out a few terrible ones to find the good ones, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.
Not Your Mom’s Therapy (Unless Your Mom Is Cool)
If you’re looking for therapy that feels like a quiet stranger nodding at you from across the room… that’s not me.
My style is more: creative, musical, body‑based, women‑focused, and lightly seasoned with dark humor….the kind that comes from surviving life, not from trying to be edgy.
I work with women who are tired of being the emotional support animal for everyone in their lives. We laugh, we cry, we breathe, we process childhood nonsense you never signed up for. We use somatic work, EMDR, Internal Family Systems, and other evidence‑based approaches because your nervous system deserves more than a motivational quote.
And here’s the thing: I do this work because I’ve been through my own healing. I’ve sat begrudgingly in the chair, thrown tantrums in the chair, and dramatically thrown myself out of the chair. I’ve trudged through the trauma work and learned firsthand how powerful EMDR and body‑based healing can be. You don’t need my story — this space is about you — but you should know I believe in this work because I’ve lived it.
If you want therapy that feels human, warm, creative, embodied, and just weird enough to feel like home — welcome in.
xoxo- Racquel