Stop Monitoring That Man

Let’s talk about one of the most exhausting full time, unpaid jobs women give themselves- Monitoring a man like he’s a flight you’re tracking on the United app.

You can act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s fine.

You’re not checking on him… you’re “just noticing” when he’s online, when he’s offline, when he breathed funny, when he took more than 6 minutes to text back, when he liked Ari’s latest tik tok, (even though you kind of don’t blame him because she’s sooo pretty and funny).

But, Racquel, how do I stop?

First, let’s talk about why you’re doing it.  

It’s because your brain is trying to protect you. Your brain doesn’t give a single shit if you’re happy or not. It wants to keep you safe. If you came from a home where the sound of your father’s footsteps in the hallway made you want to vomit, how can your brain know that you’ll be safe with any other man?  

It can’t.

To your brain, men equal betrayal, pain and always having to watch your back.

 Your brain roams the earth looking for patterns and communicates danger with your nervous system. Then we’ve got your entire body involved and you’re running a full background check on a man you barely even like several times a day.

If you grew up managing chaos, or dated someone unpredictable, or had to be the emotional weather forecaster in your family… your body learned to scan for danger before joy. You’re not crazy. You’re conditioned.

Here are some ways to un-condition yourself in a nervous‑system‑friendly way.

·         Redirect your attention back to your life, not his activity log. If your life feels boring, chat can tell you a billion ways to fix that.

·         Place distance between you and your phone. Leave it under your seat in the car. Forget it at work. Have a friend keep it for a few hours.

·         Focus on movement and sunshine

·         Read an interesting book

·         Practice tolerating uncertainty without spiraling.

·         Remember that no feeling is final. This anxiety will pass.

The Bigger Lesson

If you’re monitoring someone, you’re not feeling safe with them, or with yourself.

And that’s the part we heal.

Not by going into detective mode… but by learning to trust your body again, calm your nervous system, and build relationships where you don’t have to be the emotional security guard.

You deserve a connection you don’t have to supervise. Find a good therapist to walk you through this.

xoxo- Racquel